Brokeback Bison

It was April 2011, and we decided to head to a typical spring break destination, CANCUN South Dakota. Leave your sunscreen and Tevas at home for this trip is not for the faint-hearted. I left Minneapolis, where I was currently living, at 5pm and picked Brian up at the Sioux Falls airport around 10pm where he flew into from Los Angeles. We pressed on to Rapid Falls that night through a snowstorm. Like the Donner party we fed off each other for survival; kicking jokes back and forth like a hacky sac at a Phish show just trying to keep the spirits high, and man were we successful.

You see, Brian and I have a gift, a gift that may be small in stature, but whose rewards are forever fruitful. We possess the ability to have a good time anywhere, and we both decided that you can have your half naked Cancun hussies, and we’ll take a loyal Calamity Jane to keep us warm any day. To clear up any rumors it’s not proven that she in fact owned the clap. Although we can all still dream.

 

We grabbed a night’s sleep in Rapid City before heading out in the morning to see the Black Hills, Custer State Park, and Mt. Rushmore. Brian and I actually had a small preview of the Black Hills the night before when the front desk clerk was showing off her black hills neck beard.  Wish we had the evidence on this one.  However, we did have a great view from our hotel room.

 

After checking out of our five-star hotel we headed to Custer State Park and the Black Hills.  Right away we ran into some furry friends that were honestly way more interesting than the Black Hills themselves.

 

One of the biggest Bison in the park started mean mugging Brian.

But there is no way I was letting a little mean mugging get in the way of a friendly conversation.

 

After navigating through a hundred or so Bison in the Black Hills we pushed on to Mt. Rushmore.  On the way up to Big O’le Rush we ran into some foul weather, so none of the pictures taken came out too well, but we were lucky enough to get this wonderful shot of Mt. Rushmore.

 

Epic Fail? Absolutely not. Just as the snow started falling we thought the time was right for some ice cream and chocolate bars from the Mt. Rushmore gift shop. I got a scoop of Mint Chip and a scoop of Cookies & Cream with a side of Abe Lincoln on my chocolate bar, which was full of nuts.  Brian grabbed a double scoop of Cookies & Cream, and had himself a Tommy J. bar. God Bless America!

 

For you baseball lovers, we found it interesting that the people working on Mt. Rushmore were such die hard baseball fans that they recruited some solid ball players to work on the memorial.  They did this so that they could have them play for the Rushmore Memorial Baseball Team, which judging by the floppy hats and baggy pants looked like a hell of a team. If you look closely you can see that they put some eyeblack on our beloved presidents which was later rubbed off.

 

Seeing Mt. Rushmore and all these historic stuffs was pretty awesome, but it was time to really experience something that could could knock us over. Deadwood anyone?

Yep that’s deadwood in Deadwood.  I guess it wasnt just a clever name. Upon checking into our hotel in Deadwood, Brian was finally able to see Mt. Rushmore.

 

If you Open Yer Eyes there are actually a few things worth seeing in Deadwood.  Wild Bill’s grave is a must. Many people think he was a bad dude, but the truth is he brought law to a lawless town.

Brian probably shouldn’t have been literally in his grave site, but hey this is the Wild West people.

After seeing the site(s) in Deadwood, it was time to Get Weird and learn what the nightlife was all about.  It’s Monday night, and we asked a local guy what’s going on this evening?  He says, “Monday in Deadwood, not much going on in Deadwood on a Monday.”  (Say that with kind of a hick type accent and you’ll get the point) Yeah, like that was going to stop us from turning this into a gongshow. If you ever make it out to the Wild West hit up the Saloon No. 10 for the best looking broads in Deadwood. Wild Bill was killed playing poker in the original Saloon No. 10. The bar retained the name, but moved down the street.

 

The new Saloon No. 10 where our festivities took place.

 

We arrived at the Saloon and ran into some pretty hairy characters. The first being Poker Alice who was one mean looking dude dame. Given this name because of her impossible to read poker face, a mug only a backer and mother could love. I am sure if Brian was around back then he would have played his fair share of hands with this handsome old broad.

 

Next up is our favorite Black Dakotan, Lil’ Slim.  Deadwood, and South Dakota for that matter, isn’t the most racially diverse place in the world but that is not the only reason Lil’ Slim cracked us up.  Have a look for yourself.

 

And it definitely wouldn’t be a trip to the Wild West without some quality stache.  Wild Bill Hickok takes the award for stache of the trip.

 

The night ends with the two of us sleeping in separate locations after a few hours of chatting up the Saloon No. 10 bartenders. We made plans to go snow tubing with the them at bar close. Our plans of being pulled by a pickup truck in a tube came crashing down, when as Brian puts it, one of the bartenders “Grew a boyfriend.” There goes the preconception of wholesome midwest broads. I arrived back at the hotel the following morning and we strolled across the street for a $1 breakfast, no joke. Brian and I pulled out of Deadwood and headed east to Sioux Falls, South Dakota which is not a recommend vacation spot, sorry to burst the bubble for those of you who were looking forward to going. On the way to Sioux Falls we stopped off at the world famous Badlands. One of the only places on this planet that actually lives up to its name.  This place is unlivable and as bad as it comes, but actually quite a site to see.

 

Forgetting your tent is not advisable, and remember to wear your Tevas with caution.

 

We got out of the Badlands without needing an air evacuation. We made a little stop in Wall after four hundred signs convinced us it was the place to be. We quickly found out this spot was just a real hole in the wall.  We then finished our trek to Sioux Falls with just one minor road bump, a highway patrol guy that wanted to bust our balls for twenty minutes. He even forced me to sit in his passenger seat while he gave me a lecture and wrote me a warning for going 4 miles over the speed limit.

Later that night we turned a bad city into a bit of fun by starting off with some quality grub.

Grub hard at Chedd’s Gourmet Grilled Cheese – great spot for both meat eaters and vegheads alike.

Website: http://www.chedds.com/

You can also get some late night eats at Taco John’s – your typical Taco Bell quality dog food. This should only be considered for late night desperations, and you will most likely be woken up for a late night bathroom visit.

Sioux Falls wasn’t the most aesthetically pleasing place on the planet so we don’t have any pictures worth showing. Do not go to Sioux Falls period, but if you have no other choice and don’t mind laughing your nuts off while taking in the latest in 90’s style, you must indulge your senses by Gettin Weird at Borrowed Bucks Roadhouse.

Website: http://www.buckssiouxfalls.com/buckssiouxfalls/

In Sioux Falls the following nonsense ensued. So I got the number of the bartender at Bucks, yes a chic. We made plans to meet up at Taco Johns around 2:30am when she got off work. I guess her nerves got the best of her because I didn’t have frosted tips or Levi’s pipes. This is the text I sent her after she didn’t answer my sixth phone call: “Ordered u a breakfast burrito thanks for the no show, u owe me $8.76 plus tip, meet me at the Super 8 room 208, your foods boxed up and ready to go, oh yeah and we picked up a super burrito for your chub friend.”

After about 6 months without a response I sent this text “Hey u still owe me $8.76 plus tip, just send me $11.34 and we will call it even, u can mail the check to my boat on Nantucket, it’s dock #57 Kirby Pucket Way.” I was actually living on Nantucket at the time, but I didn’t have a boat. The strange thing is that I still haven’t heard from her; hope she’s ok.

 

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3 Responses to Brokeback Bison

  1. avatar Terrell says:

    Love the blog

  2. avatar Sarah says:

    Charging randoms for breakfast burritos by text and openly writing about it?

    I like this blog already.

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